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�"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. �TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

3 years ago, i was a mess. I was in a dark hole and i didnapos;t want to live anymore. I had it in my head that life was going to be horrible after the age of 25 and I was going to end it all before that happend. My parents and i fought constantly and the school I was in at the time was treating me like I was nothing. It was a privet school and they seemed to think that I was below them because I was CONFUSED about religion. I was in the 6th grade when I first started going there, and it was hell in the years that followed.�
I started keeping allot of issues and problems in my head cause I thought that if I told them, they would keep telling me I was doing something wrong and I would go to hell for it.�

I began to get brainwashed with religion that I forgot all about GODapos;s love and just focused on the salvation part. When I thought I was doing something wrong in the eyes of GOD, I would get angry at myself, bottle it up inside. My emotions began to get out of whack and I forgot how to cry. The more frustrated I became, the more into depression I fell.

The cutting started late in the 6th grade and went on through middle school. I found that if i started to actually feel something, anything, I felt like a human being again.
I wanted to hurt the person I become.
I stopped talking and scared my mother half to death most of the times.

One night, i remember lying in bed and praying to GOD for 2 hours to please help me, because i didnapos;t want to live like this anymore. I begged and pleaded and soon watched the sun come up.

a week later I stumbled across a website called TO�WRITE�LOVE�ON�HER�ARMS. I remember reading Reneeapos;s story and feeling this warmth in my heart. I then realized that I wasnapos;t alone and I needed to get help and get rid of the monster inside of me.
my mom put me in the hospital after my school expelled me from school and i had a breakdown.
While i was there, I remembered Reneeapos;s story and promised myself to get better.

Itapos;s been about a year since Iapos;ve been cut free.
Itapos;s weird to think how i use to be.
donapos;t get me wrong, I still get tempted and I still struggle.
The story helped me realize I couldnapos;t live like i was.�
It made me realize that GOD still loves me AND my flaws.

I met Jamie at an ALMOST show in NC and got to say thank you.
I know it was silly just to tell him thank you, but i felt better after i did.
As he told the story before the ALMOST came on, I found myself crying again and moved at how beautiful it was.

I will do anything to spread the word about this amazing site that has inspired so many.
It brought me out of my darkness and into the light.�

�

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Well this weekend was a complete and total waste of time, I did nothing at all but sleep watch some tv and take a semi-dirty picture for frenchie.
Hahaha.
He asked for a pic of me in undies with my legs spread. So I threw on some lipstick, gitch, a shirt and socks and took a picture for him. His comments were "OMG I got the picture and its so hot" and "FUCK"
Haahahaha.
AND I clearly weapos;re bringing out the dirty in one another cause I told him Iapos;d package up the undies for him and send them to him.
Hahaha.
I may have completely lost my mind, but its kinda fun over here in filthy whore land
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I havenapos;t written anything here for about a week Thatapos;s really scary...
Going to tell you a bit of what has happened, then...

Last weekend I had, as Iapos;ve said before, three concerts with the amazing group FOMP, and I can tell you that there hasnapos;t been a day since last Sunday that I havenapos;t missed those wonderful guys. Really hope to meet� them again sometime.

On Monday I introduced my class to Doctor Who, which was really great - none of them had seen it :D And I believed they enjoyed it, even though we got some trouble with the DVD, which resulted in that we couldnapos;t watch the end of the episode. I had to tell them what happened so that they could do the questions I had written down for them. They actually have to write an essay based on Doctor Who (a short FanFic, actually) and hand it in to me :D My teacher thought it was a great idea and Iapos;m actually considering posting the essays on a separate account on FanFiction.Net, so that you guys can write good and bad reviews on them.

I actually had a fever on Monday already, so I went home after the English-lesson, skipping Drama-class. I was home almost all week, didnapos;t go back to school until Friday. And then I had one test in Science (soooo easy I had done it some years ago as well and it took me no time at all to write it), we watched a movie in English and in German as well... So very relaxed :)

Then... Saturday. I had a competition, horse-jumping, and I hadnapos;t been on a horse for about a year. But I believed I would stay on as I knew my horse liked to jump... Or so I thought
This horse, named Waldemar, was the stableapos;s best horse in horse-jumping. Heapos;s jumped over 1,30 metres. But I found out that heapos;s actually lost his affection to jumping... Though, a bit too late. During the first jumps before the actual competition, he felt great. I really thought that the rider before me had been riding a bit too slow and that was whys sheapos;d fallen off. But, I was wrong. When it was my turn, I rode at a good speed towards the first jump... And Waldemar stopped, just as heapos;d done with the previous rider. I flew over his head, landed on one of the bars and hurt my knee a bit. But I didnapos;t feel it, I was just so surprised. I got back on the horse, apos;cause I had the judgeapos;s permission to jump the obstacle even though I had lost by falling off. And he stopped two more times, though I didnapos;t fall off these times. Then we got over number 1, 2, 3... And stopped again at number 4. Then I told the judge that I didnapos;t want to go further. If Waldemar didnapos;t feel like he wanted to jump, then he didnapos;t have too.
Iapos;m going to ride him again in about a week, jumping, and Iapos;m going to try and make him feel that thereapos;s no pressure on him right now. I want him to feel that itapos;s fun again...

Updating soon (hopefully) again

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dennis linehan

So, the past couple days were absolutely amazing. Like, seriously. Now I can understand why people love Junior year so much. But, whatever goes up must obviously go down. When things go down, they go waaaay down. Itapos;s not really something I enjoy.

We had band practice two days in a row this week in preparation for our show that was on Friday, which we kicked major ass at. We played all of our songs from the Fall Fest but adding a new song (Take Advantage) that was actually written right after Sweet Effect but we never really got to practicing it. We had the biggest crowd there according to Bruce on The Stabcast, and we got a lot of good moral support from everyone that went to Conwellapos;s Homecoming. I had a great time and everything, but I still really wish that I went to Homecoming with everybody. :/ It seemed like everyone had so much fun. I mean, the show was good and all until somebody had to leave and ruin everything...but I donapos;t even wanna start thinking about that. Afterwards, Kelly and I went to Golden Dawn with everyone from Homecoming and Hannah, Rachel, and Marissa totally brightened my day. So thatapos;s a plus.

Today was good, too. I was out with my mom almost all day getting ready for my Halloween party on the 25th, which Iapos;m totally psyched about (hoping for the highlight of the month here) Then, she bought me The Glass Passenger, which is the best 12 bucks I have ever spent in my entire life. If you like Jackapos;s Mannequin but donapos;t have that CD, GET IT NOW. But yeah, after that I went to the Homecoming game with Kelly, Chris, Hannah (even though she left, party pooper), Greg, Rachel, John, Liv, Kelly again, Sam, Amanda, Mike, among others that came and went. It was grand fun, and I got to touch Johnapos;s crotch. Yay. Then, afterwards: Me, Chris, Kelly, Kelly, Sam, and Liv came back to my house. We lolapos;d a lot and had hot chocolate, then Chris, Kelly, and I watched a little bit of Forrest Gump.

Like, you look at that and see that Iapos;ve had a lot of fun the past couple days. But regarding all the good stuff, a lot of thinking went on this weekend that kinda makes me upset, thus leading to this entry (be honest, all my LJs are depressing in some way or another). But, I donapos;t know. Iapos;m confusing myself. Thereapos;s been people all over the place who have been there for me, and I thank them all, but I guess you could just say that Iapos;m lovesick to a certain point. I donapos;t wanna say that because it makes me seem desperate because Iapos;m not, itapos;s just...I miss it. Yeah, everyone said being single would do me good, and it has, but now itapos;s just getting old. You know? Maybe it sounds stupid, I donapos;t know, but I just miss the idea of being loved. After a certain event that happened this weekend, I donapos;t feel like that anymore regardless if people do or not. I guess Iapos;m just stupid and messed up. Or something like that.

In reality I just need to sleep more so I donapos;t think about it.
But if I sleep, Iapos;ll dream about her. That is DEFINITELY not good. :/
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Not much going on here. Been in Germany for 2 months, and I spend most of my time studying. I am so homesick and so tired of being here. And I have another 7 weeks before I get to go home. Donapos;t know how to do that...
really havenapos;t been up to much since Iapos;ve been back in Germany. My apartment is pretty sweet and my roomates are nice and cool. We hang out a lot and just chat and cook together and stuff. Been out once or twice, but thatapos;s about it. Seen some of my old classmates and some other friends, as well as having gone to my sisterapos;s wedding in France, but mainly just studying, or attempting to do so.

My sisterapos;s wedding was quite nice. There were only 32 people at the wedding plus kids, so it was quite small. It started in the morning at the town hall. They didnapos;t get married in church, so just a little ceremony at town hall, then everybody went to their house which is gigantic with an even bigger yard and had snacks and champagne. We stayed there all afternoon and then got ready for dinner at the castle. 5 or 6 course meal, I donapos;t quite remember, but way too much food The French are crazy And then dancing until the wee hours. French Chansons were played and the French all got up and sang along and danced. So funny to see. I even danced twice as well. There were only one other girl and I who were there dateless. And this one man came with his two kids and the wife couldnapos;t come, so he danced with both of us every once in a while and just swirled me around. I just laughed. I had no idea where to put my feet, but it was so much fun :) Of course there were some sad moments when they play all those lovey dovey songs. Not so fun to be at that kind of wedding all by yourself then. But oh well. It was a perfectly planned wedding, as is only expected by my sister The next morning brunch was at the castle again as well. French breakfast. Oh yeah, I forgot.. The French have some fun traditions. They put all the champagne glasses in a pyramid and then the bride and groom each take a bottle of champagne and start filling them up by pouring the champagne into the top glass and letting it flow over and fill up the other glasses. That looked pretty cool :) And my sis and Thierry (her husband) had this huge frame and I had to go around and get pictures of everybody with the frame.. Making funny faces. Some people had some pretty funny and great ideas So overall, a great wedding
I think I have seen the two extremes now though.. Shelbyapos;s with tons of people and my sistersapos; with only few people Good thing I wonapos;t marry for a while :)
Stayed at my sisters for a day or two longer and then came back to Rostock.

Itapos;s been a lil rough being back here. Iapos;m somehow less patient than I usually am, which is almost nothing, if you know my normal patience level. Just annoyed really easily. Everybody keeps teling me itapos;s not much longer, but itapos;s still so long, and Iapos;m stressing about my final, but at the same time I struggle concentrating. I donapos;t know whatapos;s wrong. The past two days Iapos;ve had a cold and the worst headache ever. My head hurt the moment I tried to sit up. Never had that before. Felt better today but I still just rested.
I signed up for a badminton class as well as a weight lifting class for women. Badminton should be fun, since itapos;s just playing for fun and I signed up with a friend of mine. Havenapos;t gotten a chance to play yet though. The weight lifting class sucks. I mainly signed up so I could use the gym whenever, but the gym from school sucks. Itapos;s all for boys, barely any machines and one bike, no other cardio stuff Thatapos;s crazy And itapos;s tiny And the class.. Itapos;s supposed to apos;be good for your posture and health stuffapos; blah..but the guy just showed us the machines and now weapos;re supposed to do whatever we want. So thatapos;s lame, doesnapos;t help me squat Oh well, Iapos;ll just go myself and do a little of whatever I think. Just have to do something though. I havenapos;t been very active here and just been tired from sitting in the room and studying but not moving. Tennis is too expensive to play more than once a week, so... Oh well.

Otherwise... I donapos;t know.. Things are okay I guess. A little frustrated by people not keeping their word. They say theyapos;ll do something, and then they donapos;t follow through. I donapos;t understand it. If you canapos;t keep it, why bother saying youapos;ll do something in the first place? I didnapos;t ask to be told anything, but if I am being told something, I usually believe in it happening. And then it just leads to me being disappointed if it doesnapos;t happen. I donapos;t get it...

Anyhow, counting the days until I get to go home. I wasnapos;t aware that I could be this homesick and this sad about being here. Just feels strange, and I feel out of place. :-/

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Wow these past two days have been miserable. My mouth is killing me and my cheeks just keep growing. The worst thing is not being able to eat. I had to of lost like 5 pounds already. I�really do apreciate megan and spenser coming over though(: I seriously love them to death. They made me feel a million times better. To top everything off my cell phone completly stopped working My mom is taking it in though and hopefull i get a new one If not im going to have to go back to my en V. Shooot i think its funny how drunk people call me in the middle of the night. (: ahhahahaha. Megan spent the night last night and took care of me this morning<3 Waiting for corey to bring me some jello. Hahaha so cutttte<33

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Thursday is almost always laundry day in my house, so I spent a good chunk of the morning doing that. Four loads is a lot to get through. But everything was washed and dried and folded and put away, and I even spent some time sorting out all of Zackapos;s socks so they were matched pairs once again. Quite a feat, let me tell you.

The rest of the day I pretty much puttered. The beauty of my job is that sometimes I just have nothing to do. Iapos;d done everything that could be done work-wise, and there was nothing left but to kick back and relax a bit. Iapos;m still sort of fuzzy-headed due to allergies, so this was a welcomed respite.

Food-wise, yesterday wasnapos;t stellar, but I stuck to my points, and Iapos;ll leave it at that. Note to self: two cookies does not a healthy lunch make. :P I know this, but I had decided having the cookies was more important than the hunger and sugar crash I would suffer later. Which I did.

Exercise was nothing more than dragging baskets of laundry up and down the stairs, and then 40 minutes of yoga in the afternoon by myself. It was really nice, actually. I did a routine I hadnapos;t done in a very long time, and it was good to do something that I had to pay attention to. It made me focus.

This morning I did the happy dance on the scale when it showed me weighing 149.4. Down 1.4 from yesterday. I think the daily blogging is really helping. Itapos;s making me feel accountable, if nothing else, which is something I lost when I stopped paying for my WW membership. I need something to keep me accountable, and this seems to be fitting the bill. Thank goodness.

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